Jan 282015
 
I keep running into this term “life hacking” without actually knowing what it’s supposed to mean, but on the surface it sure seems to fit what I’m embarking on this year: a personal reboot.  That includes an overdue divorce.

I haven’t started the actual divorce process yet– been very busy preparing to prepare for it though.  I envy any couples who are able to walk away from each other without any major difficulty.  My adult sons aren’t a factor, but years of accumulated crap has sure become one.  Hopefully the fact that I want free of it all, including our house, will help.

As the stereotypical creative type, I’ve been blessed/burdened with a multitude of interests and, for the most part, enough energy to pursue them all.  But as my marriage disintegrated, the energy faded.  Recent health issues didn’t help.  So I finally resolved to make 2015 the year I whittle down my pursuits and cast off the crap.

Among my goals are a desire to get back Out There, wherever “there” is.  And that’s one of the positives I’m gleaning from failure: constraints of my marriage prevented me from seizing many, many wonderful opportunities.  It’s too late to recapture most of them, but I can definitely position myself for those yet to come.

Here in Texas, even an easy divorce can take a minimum of two months.  I’m certainly trying for easy but bracing for difficult.  I figure I’ll be legally free by summer… just in time to maybe join my oldest son for a bit in my hometown of San Diego (where he’ll be stationed on an amphibious Naval craft).

I’m also hoping that status will help my dating prospects, which I covered tongue-in-cheek recently.  So far “Currently Separated” doesn’t seem to cut it.  I can’t say I blame anyone for being reluctant to consider a guy in my spot.  There’s probably a common fear that separation means “likely to return to spouse”.  Not happening in my case, but again, I get it.

On one hand I’m not really thrilled about dating at this point in my life… I was never good at it when young, and being out of practice for over twenty years isn’t helping!  I’m sure I’m committing missteps on Match and in general.  But bottom line: I miss people.  Too few friends in my immediate area, and too much sitting at home for the past year to fix that.  Not any more.  I’m ready to socialize.  I especially miss live music and arts events.  Both will be high on my new agenda.

As noted, consolidating and even eliminating some old interests will be a major focus.  Look for changes to this blog, too– more on that later.

There will be a great many developments for me over the next several months, and a lot of work involved in getting through them.  But I’m trying to stay optimistic.  I think I’m over the worst of everything, and heading for much better things.

If you’ve got a similar or other story to share, add to the comments section!  If the spam filter zaps you, I’ll take care of it.

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

  • Randy,
    I love the title of this post, first of all. While I don’t like that you’re going through this, it is somewhat validating for me to read your story because, like you, I’ve experienced this life altering experience. I always say based on my own situation that even the most amicable divorce is like a death. It just is. It goes so much deeper than just parting ways with a person. You also have to give up things like a part of your identity, some people and even your conviction that THIS would never be something YOU would do. Poof – gone. With that in mind, I understand what you mean by wishing you’d been more prepared but take it from someone on the other side of the tunnel – it’s impossible to be prepared. Had you attended to some of the details in advance then others would replace them as the situation unfolded. I hope you believe me!

    I also find it hard to talk about divorce with people who haven’t been through it. It’s just a unique experience. And of course not all divorce scenarios are the same but I find that even the most well meaning friends were just really hard for me to talk to when I went through mine. I just didn’t want to talk about it. It was complicated. My ex-husband didn’t beat me, didn’t cheat, didn’t (insert other ills). I couldn’t write him off as the boogeyman and then be left alone. I had to say more things. Talk about my inner feeling that I really didn’t want to talk about. So I just didn’t do it. I only talked about things in the most general terms. That’s a choice I stand by even years later.

    My view: this is going to suck. It will suck every day. Not to say that all days will suck but THIS part will until it just stops doing so. So the trick is to do as you’re planning to – get out there, do something fun and try not to drown in the big red “D” swimming through your mind.

    I got through it and I’ve been remarried for several years now. Even went ahead and had another child (though that’s not for everyone!). Now I look back with a survivor’s mindset. And I’m in awe of how great life is now and in a way that I never – not ever- could’ve envisioned. I predict the same for you and I applaud you for sharing this!

    • MANY thanks for commenting, Christin! I really appreciate your perspective.

      I’m at the point where blame is pointless and I really hope my soon-to-be ex-wife finds new happiness.

      But personally, I’m waffling between bummed and optimistic lately… working constantly to favor the latter. Getting out really, really helps… unless it’s on my own. Thankfully I’m making new friends who actually think of me when there’s something to do. I hadn’t realized how much I missed actually being invited to anything. When you’re the “divorced or divorcing guy”, it’s hard not to think you’re imposing so invitations are great!

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